The Bookshop (from Matching Tie and Handkerchief) Customer: (entering the bookshop) Good morning. Proprietor: Good morning, sir. Can I help you? Cust: Er, yes. Do you have a copy of "Thirty Days in the Samarkind Desert with the Duchess of Kent" by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.? Prop: (uncertain) Ah, well, I don't *know* the book, sir... Cust: Er, never mind, never mind. How about "A Hundred and One Ways to Start a Fight"? Prop: (helpfully) ...By? Cust: An Irish gentleman, whose name eludes me for the moment. Prop: Ah, no, well we haven't got it in stock, sir.... Cust: Oh, well, not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with "David Coperfield"? Prop: (relieved) Ah, yes, Dickens. Cust: No.... Prop: (pause) I beg your pardon? Cust: No, Edmund Wells. Prop: I *think* you'll find Charles Dickens wrote "David Copperfield", sir.... Cust: No, no, Dickens wrote "David Copperfield" with *two* P's. This is "David Coperfield" with *one* P by Edmund Wells. Prop: "David Coperfield" with one P? Cust: Yes, I should have said. Prop: (irritated) Yes, well in that case, we don't have it. Cust: (peering over counter) Funny, you've got a lot of books here.... Prop: (slightly perturbed) Yes, we do, but we don't have "David Coperfield" with one P by Edmund Wells. Cust: Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens. Prop: More *thourough*!? Cust: Yes...I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your "David Copperfield"'s... Prop: No sir, all our "David Copperfield"s have two P's. Cust: Are you quite sure? Prop: Quite. Cust: Not worth just looking? Prop: Definitely not. Cust: Oh... how 'bout "Great Expectations"? Prop: Yes, well we have that-- Cust: That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells. Prop: (pause) Yes, well in that case we don't have it. We don't have anything by Edmund Wells, actually: he's not very popular. Cust: Not "Knickerless Knickleby?" That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S. Prop: (taciturn) No. Cust: "Khristmas Karol" with a K? Prop: (irritated, but still polite) No.... Cust: How about "A Sale of Two Titties"? Prop: (flatly) Definitely Not. Cust: (moving towards door) Sorry to trouble you.... Prop: Not at all.... Cust: Good morning. Prop: Good morning. Cust: (turning around) Oh! Prop: (deep breath) Yesss? Cust: I wonder if you might have a copy of "Rarnaby Budge"? Prop: No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells! Cust: No, not Edmund Wells--Charles Dikkens. Prop: (pause - eagerly) Charles Dickens?? Cust: Yes. Prop: (excitedly) You mean "Barnaby Rudge"! Cust: No, "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens. That's Dikkens with two K's, the well-known Dutch author. Prop: (slight pause) No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens with two K's, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens, or "Farmer of Sludge" by Marles Pickens, or even "Stickwick Stapers" by Farles Wickens with four M's and a silent Q!!!!! Why don't you try W. H. Smith's? Cust: Ah did--they sent me here. Prop: (icily) Did they. Cust: Oh, I wonder... Prop: Oh, do go on, please. Cust: Yes...I wonder if you might have "The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoatpamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beckles"...volume eight. Prop: (after a pause for recovery) No, we don't have that...funny, we've got a lot of books here...well, I musn't keep you standing here... Thank You, Cust: Oh, well do, do you have-- Prop: No, I'm sorry sir. Look, it's almost lunchtime-- Cust: I saw it! Prop: What! Where? Cust: Over there: "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds." Prop: (pause) O-L-S-E-N? Cust: Yes. Prop: B-I-R-D-S? Cust: Yes. Prop: Yes, I think we have-- Cust: The Expurgated Version. Prop: THE EXPURGATED VERSION!?! Cust: (helpfully) Yes, the one without the gannet in it. Prop: But the gannet is is in all the books--it's a Standard British Bird! Cust: Well, I don't like them, they wet their nests. Prop: Fine, then I'll *remove* it!!! (rip) Cust: And the starling-- Prop: (tearing noise) Anything else?! Cust: I can't buy that--it's torn! Prop: (groans) Go on, ask me anything, we've got a lot of books here. Cust: "Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying?" Prop: (dangerous pause) What!? We've got it! (laughs raggedly) Hahahahah! (triumphantly) All right,(slaps book on the counter) there's your book, now BUY it! Cust: I don't have any money! Prop: I'll take a check-- Cust: I don't have *any* money! Prop: All right, I'll buy it *for* you!! (takes money from pocket, rings register) Here's your book, here's your change, there's some money for a taxi on your way home!!! Cust: Wait, wait! Prop: What!!! What!!!! Cust: (plaintively) I can't read! Prop: You can't read. (manaically) Then, I'll read it FOR you! Sit down, put your feet up! Are you sitting comfortably? (begins) Ethel the Aardvark was hopping down the road...