*****   The Front's Demands Scene from Life of Brian            *****
 *****   Transcribed by Dwayne A. X. E. E. (86/5/20)             *****

 (The interior of MATTHIAS'S HOUSE.  A cellar-like room with a very
  conspiratorial atmosphere.  REG and STAN are seated at a table at one end of
  the room.  FRANCIS, dressed in commando gear -- black robes and a red sash
  around his head -- is standing by a plan on the wall.  He is addressing an
  audience of about eight MASKED COMMANDOS.  Their faces are partially hidden.)

         FRANCIS
      We get in through the underground heating system here ... up through to
      the main audience chamber here ... and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.
      Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and
      forthwith issue our demands.  Any questions?
         COMMANDO XERXES
      What exactly are the demands?
         REG
      We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the
      Roman Imperialist State and if he doesn't agree immediately we execute her.

         MATTHIAS
      Cut her head of?
         FRANCIS
      Cut all her bits off, send 'em back every hour on the hour ... show him
      we're not to be trifled with.
         REG
      Also, we're demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of the Emperor Julius
      Caesar with his cock hanging out.
         STAN
      What?  They'll never agree to that, Reg.
         REG
      That's just a bargaining counter.  And of course, we point out that they
      bear full responsibility when we chop her up, AND ... that we shall NOT
      submit to blackmail.
         ALL
      (Applause) No blackmail!!!!
         REG
      They've bled us white, the bastards.  They've taken everything we had,
      not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.
         STAN
      And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
         REG
      Yes.
         STAN
      And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
         REG
      All right, Stan.  Don't labour the point.  And what have they ever given
      us IN RETURN?  (he pauses smugly)
         XERXES
      The aqueduct?
         REG
      What?
         XERXES
      The aqueduct.
         REG
      Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that.  Yeah.  That's true.
         MASKED COMMANDO
      And the sanitation!
         STAN
      Oh yes ... sanitation, Reg, you remember what the city used to be like.
         REG
      All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two
      things that the Romans HAVE done ...
         MATTHIAS
      And the roads ...
         REG
      (sharply) Well YES OBVIOUSLY the roads ... the roads go without saying.
      But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads ...
         ANOTHER MASKED COMMANDO
      Irrigation ...
         OTHER MASKED VOICES
      Medicine ... Education ... Health
         REG
      Yes ... all right, fair enough ...
         COMMANDO NEARER THE FRONT
      And the wine ...
         GENERAL
      Oh yes!  True!
         FRANCIS
      Yeah.  That's something we'd really miss if the Romans left, Reg.
         MASKED COMMANDO AT BACK
      Public baths!
         STAN
      AND it's safe to walk in the streets at night now.
         FRANCIS
      Yes, they certainly know how to keep order ...
      (general nodding)
      ... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this.
      (more general murmurs of agreement)
         REG
      All right ... all right ... but apart from better sanitation and medicine
      and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater
      system and baths and public order ... what HAVE the Romans done for US?
         XERXES
      Brought peace!
         REG
      (very angry, he's not having a good meeting at all)
      What!?  Oh ... (scornfully) Peace, yes ... shut up!

 *****   Here endeth Part Eight of Life of Brian (of Nazareth)   *****