*****   The Brian in Jail Scene from Life of Brian              *****
 *****   Transcribed by Dwayne A. X. E. E. (86/5/30)             *****

 (BRIAN wakes up with a smile on his face to find himself being dragged along a
  cell corridor by TWO GUARDS.  The horrible figure of the JAILER spits at him
  and flings him into a dark damp cell, slamming the iron grate behind him and
  turning the key hollowly in the lock.  BRIAN slumps to the floor.  A voice
  comes out of the darkness behind him.)
         BEN
      You LUCKY bastard!
         BRIAN
      (spins around and peers into the gloom)
      Who's that?
         BEN
 (In the darkness BRIAN just makes out an emaciated figure, suspended on the
  wall, with his feet off the ground, by chains round his wrists.  This is BEN.)
      You lucky, lucky bastard.
         BRIAN
      What?
         BEN
      (with great bitterness) Proper little gaoler's pet, aren't we?
         BRIAN
      (ruffled) What do you mean?
         BEN
      You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
         BRIAN
      Slipped him a few shekels!?  You saw him spit in my face!
         BEN
      Ohh!  What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face!  I sometimes hang
      awake at nights dreaming of being spat in the face.
         BRIAN
      Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it?  They had me in manacles ...
         BEN
      Manacles!  Oooh.
      (his eyes go quite dreamy)
      My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles ... just for a
      few hours.  They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny!
         BRIAN
      Listen!  They beat me up before they threw me in here.
         BEN
      Oh yeah?  The only day they don't beat me up is on my birthday.
         BRIAN
      Oh shut up.
         BEN
      Well, your type makes me sick!  You come in here, you get treated like
      Royalty, and everyone outside thinks you're a bloody martyr.
         BRIAN
      Oh, lay off me ... I've had a hard time!
         BEN
      YOU'VE had a hard time!  Listen, sonny!  I've been here five years and
      they only hung me the right way up yesterday!
         BRIAN
      All right!  All right!
         BEN
      I just wish I had half your luck.  They must think you're Lord God
      Almighty!
         BRIAN
      What'll they do to me?
         BEN
      Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
         BRIAN
      Crucifixion!
         BEN
      Yeah, first offence.
         BRIAN
      Get away with crucifixion!
         BEN
      Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
         BRIAN
      (incredulous)  What?
         BEN
      Oh yeah.  If we didn't have crucifixion this country would be in a right
      bloody mess I tell you.
         BRIAN
      (who can stand it no longer)  Guard!
         BEN
      Nail 'em up I say!
         BRIAN
      (dragging himself over to the door)  Guard!
         BEN
      Nail some sense into them!
         GUARD
      (looking through the bars)  What do you want?
         BRIAN
      I want to be moved to another cell.
      (GUARD spits in his face.)
         BRIAN
      Oh!  (he recoils in helpless disgust)
         BEN
      Oh ... look at that!  Bloody favouritism!
         GUARD
      Shut up, you!
         BEN
      Sorry!  Sorry!
      (he lowers his voice)
      Now take my case.  I've been here five years, and every night they take
      me down for ten minutes, then they hang me up again ... which I regard as
      very fair ... in view of what I done ... and if nothing else, it's taught
      me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me that you'll never get
      anywhere in life unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair
      day's pay ...
         BRIAN
      Oh ... Shut up!
         CENTURION
      Pilate wants to see you.
         BRIAN
      Me?
         CENTURION
      Come on.
         BRIAN
      Pilate?  What does he want to see me for?
         CENTURION
      I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified.
 (He laughs.  The TWO SOLDIERS smirk.  BEN laughs uproariously.)
         BEN
      ... Nice one, centurion.  Like it, like it.
         CENTURION
      (to BEN)  Shut up!  (BRIAN is hustled out.  The door slams.)
         BEN
      Terrific race the Romans ... terrific.

 *****   Here endeth Part Nine of Life of Brian (of Nazareth)    *****