*****   The Leper Scene from Life of Brian                      *****
 *****   Transcribed by Dwayne A. X. E. E. (86/4/30)             *****

 (As MANDY and BRIAN pass through the city gate, they attract a sort of
  muscular, fit and healthy young BEGGAR, who pursues them relentlessly through
  the busy streets.)
         EX-LEPER
      Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir.
         MANDY
 (to EX-LEPER)
      Buzz off!
         EX-LEPER
 (The EX-LEPER has come round to BRIAN's side.)
      Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir.
         BRIAN
      Did you say -- ex-leper?
         EX-LEPER
      That's right, sir.  (he salutes)  ... sixteen years behind the bell, and
      proud of it, thank you sir.
         BRIAN
      What happened?
         EX-LEPER
      I was cured, sir.
         BRIAN
      Cured?
         EX-LEPER
      Yes sir, a bloody miracle, sir.  Bless you.
         BRIAN
      Who cured you?
         EX-LEPER
      Jesus did.  I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me.
      One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone.
      Not so much as a by your leave.
 (gestures in the manner of a conjuror)
      You're cured mate, sod you.
         MANDY
      Go away.
         EX-LEPER
      Look.  I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries.  But it
      was a living.  I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's
      faces demanding compassion.  It's a bloody disaster.
         MANDY
      You could go and get yourself a decent job, couldn't you?
         EX-LEPER
      Look, sir, my family has been in begging six generations.  I'm not about
      to become a goat-herd, just because some long-haired conjuror starts
      mucking about. (makes gesture again)
      Just like that.  "You're cured."  Bloody do-gooder!
         BRIAN
      Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
         EX-LEPER
      Ah yeah, I could do that, sir yes, I suppose I could.  What I was going
      to do was ask him if he could ... you know, just make me a bit lame in one
      leg during the week, you know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which
      is a pain in the arse to be quite blunt, sir, excuse my French but ...
 (They have reached BRIAN and MANDY's house.  MANDY goes in.  BRIAN gives the
  BEGGAR a coin.)
         BRIAN
      There you are.
         EX-LEPER
      Thank you sir ... half a denary for my bloody life story!
         BRIAN
      There's no pleasing some people
         EX-LEPER
      That's just what Jesus said.

 *****   Here endeth Part Five of Life of Brian (of Nazareth)    *****

 --
 Sam Saal         ..!attunix!saal
 Vayiphtach HaShem et Peah HaAtone
 =========================================================================
 Path: psuvm.bitnet!cunyvm!nyser!njin!rutgers!att!ulysses!sfsup!saal
 From: saal@sfsup.UUCP (S.Saal)
 Newsgroups: rec.humor
 Subject: mp - medoctor
 Message-ID: <4498@sfsup.UUCP>
 Date: 25 Dec 88 15:07:40 GMT
 Organization: AT&T-BL, Summit N.J. USA 07901
 Lines: 38




 *** Okay, Malcolm, you asked for it... ***
 *** A very silly sketch submitted once again by SHEBREB - 3/28/86 ***

 (Mr. Bertenshaw and his sick wife arrive at a hospital.)

 Doctor: Mr. Bertenshaw?
 Mr. B:  Me, Doctor.
 Doctor: No, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw.
 Mr. B:  My wife, doctor...
 Doctor: No, your wife patient.
 Sister: Come with me, please.
 Mr. B:  Me, Sister?
 Doctor: No, she Sister, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw.
 Nurse:  Dr. Walters?
 Doctor: Me, nurse...You Mr. Bertenshaw, she Sister, you doctor.
 Sister: No, doctor.
 Doctor: No doctor: call ambulance, keep warm.
 Nurse:  Drink, doctor?
 Doctor: Drink doctor, eat Sister, cook Mr. Bertenshaw, nurse me!
 Nurse:  You, doctor?
 Doctor: ME doctor!! You Mr. Bertenshaw. She Sister!
 Mr. B:  But my wife, nurse...
 Doctor: Your wife not nurse. She nurse, your wife patient. Be patient,
         she nurse your wife. Me doctor, you tent, you tree, you Tarzan, me
         Jane, you Trent, you Trillo...me doctor!

 Sergeant-Major: Stop this, stop this. What a silly way to carry on. What
                 do you want?
 Customer: I wish to register a complaint.
 Sergeant-Major: Well, this is a hospital. You want the pet shop in the
                 next file...

 --
 Sam Saal         ..!attunix!saal
 Vayiphtach HaShem et Peah HaAtone
 =========================================================================
 Path: psuvm.bitnet!cunyvm!nyser!njin!rutgers!att!ulysses!sfsup!saal
 From: saal@sfsup.UUCP (S.Saal)
 Newsgroups: rec.humor
 Subject: mp - pilate
 Message-ID: <4499@sfsup.UUCP>
 Date: 25 Dec 88 15:08:11 GMT
 Organization: AT&T-BL, Summit N.J. USA 07901
 Lines: 141