*****   The Opening Scene of Life of Brian                      *****
 *****   Transcribed by Dwayne A. X. E. E. (86/4/26)             *****

 (Three camels are silhouetted against the bright stars of the moonless
  sky, moving slowly along the horizon.  A star leads them towards
  Bethlehem.
  The WISE MEN enter the gates of the sleeping town and make their way
  through the deserted streets.  A dog snarls at them.  They approach a
  lighted stable, light streams out.  Dismounting and entering they find
  a typical manger scene, with a baby in a rough crib of straw, patient
  animals standing around.  The mother nods by the side of the child.
  Suddenly she wakes from her lightish doze, sees them, shrieks and
  falls backwards off her straw.  She's up again in a flash, looking
  guardedly at them.  She is a ratbag.)

         MANDY
      Who are you?
         FIRST WISE MAN
      We are three wise men.
         THIRD WISE MAN
      We are astrologers.  We have come from the East.
         MANDY
      Is this some kind of joke?
         FIRST WISE MAN
      We wish to praise the infant.
         SECOND WISE MAN
      We must pay homage to him.
         MANDY
      Homage!!  You're all drunk you are.  It's disgusting.  Out, out.
         THIRD WISE MAN
      No, no.
         MANDY
      Coming bursting in here first thing in the morning with some
      tale about Oriental fortune tellers ... get out.
         FIRST WISE MAN
      No.  No we must see him.
         MANDY
      Go and praise someone else's brat, go on.
         SECOND WISE MAN
      We were led by a star.
         MANDY
      Led by a bottle, more like.  Get out!
         SECOND WISE MAN
      We must see him.  We have brought presents.
         MANDY
      Out.
         FIRST WISE MAN
      Gold, frankincense, myrrh.

 (Mandy changes direction, smooth as silk.)

         MANDY
      Well, why didn't you say?  He's over here ... Sorry this place
      is a bit of a mess.  What is myrrh, anyway?
         THIRD WISE MAN
      It is a valuable balm.
         MANDY
      A balm, what are you giving him a balm for?  It might bite him.
         THIRD WISE MAN
      What?
         MANDY
      It's a dangerous animal.  Quick, throw it in the trough.
         THIRD WISE MAN
      No it isn't.
         MANDY
      Yes it is.
         THIRD WISE MAN
      No, no, it is an ointment.
         MANDY
      An ointment?
         THIRD WISE MAN
      Look.
         MANDY
 (sampling the ointment with a grubby finger).
 Oh.  There is an animal called a balm or did I dream it?
 You astrologers, eh?  Well, what's he then?
         SECOND WISE MAN
      H'm?
         MANDY
      What star sign is he?
         SECOND WISE MAN
      Capricorn.
         MANDY
      Capricorn eh, what are they like?
         SECOND WISE MAN
      He is the son of God, our Messiah.
         FIRST WISE MAN
      King of the Jews.
         MANDY
      And that's Capricorn, is it?
         THIRD WISE MAN
      No, no, that's just him.
         MANDY
      Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
 (The WISE MEN are on their knees.)
         SECOND WISE MAN
      By what name are you calling him?

 (Dramatic Chord ... )

         MANDY
      ... Brian.
         THREE WISE MEN
      We worship you, Oh, Brian, who are Lord over us all.  Praise
      unto you, Brian and to the Lord our Father.  Amen.
         MANDY
      Do you do a lot of this, then?
         FIRST WISE MAN
      What?
         MANDY
      This praising.
         FIRST WISE MAN
      No, no, no.
         MANDY
      Oh!  Well, if you're dropping by again do pop in.
 (They take the hint and rise.)
      And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense but ... don't
      worry too much about the myrrh next time.  Thank you ...
      Goodbye.
 (To Brian)
      Well weren't they nice ... out of their bloody minds, but still...
 (In the background we see the WISE MEN pause outside the door as a
  gentle glow suffuses them.  They look at each other, confer and then
  stride back in and grab the presents off MANDY and turn to go again,
  pushing MANDY over.
         MANDY
      Here, here, that's mine, you just gave me that.  Ow!

 *****   Here endeth Part One of ... Life of Brian (of Nazareth) *****