The Chemist's Sketch (Python Vol. I) ------------------------------------ Chemist: Right, I've got some of your prescriptions here. Who's got the pox? [pause] Come on, who's got the pox? Come on. [Man sheepishly raises his hand, chemist throws medication to him.] Who's got a [reads] boil on the bum? Boil on the botty? [Older man raises hand, chemist throws medication to him.] Who's got the chest rash? [Buxom woman raises hand. Chemist glances at her.] I'll have to get a bigger bottle. Who's got wind? [All point to embarrassed man sitting at other end of room.] Catch! [Chemist throws medication to him.] Announcer: The BBC would like to apologise for the poor quality of writing in that sketch. It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like "bum", "botty" or "wee-wees". Different Announcer: These are the words which are not to be used again on this program: b*m, b*tty, p*x, kn*ckers, kn*ckers, w**-w**, semprini. Woman: Semprini?? Different Announcer: Out!! Chemist: Right, who's got a boil on his semprini then? [Policeman takes him off stage.] [New set--Less Naughty Chemists Ltd.] Man: Good morning. New Chemist: Good morning sir. Man: Morning. I'd like some after-shave, please. New Chemist: Certainly sir. Walk this way please. Man: If I could walk that way I wouldn't need after-shave. [Policeman takes man off stage] [New set--Not at All Naughty Chemists Ltd.] Man: Good morning. Newer Chemist: Good morning sir. Can I help you? Man: Yes, I'd like some after-shave please. Newer Chemist: Ahhh, a toilet requisite-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tite. Would you like to try this sir? It's called "Sea Mist". Man: [Smells it.] Hmmm, I quite like it. Newer Chemist: How about something a little more musky? This one's called "Nimmo". Man: Not really, no. Have you got anything a little fishier? Newer Chemist: Fishier? Man: Fishier. Newer Chemist: Fish, fish, fish. A fishy requisite-t-t-t-t-t-t-tite. Man: Like halibut or sea bass. Newer Chemist: Or bream? Man: Yes! Newer Chemist: No, I haven't got any of that. I've got mackerel or cod or hake. Man: You haven't got anything a little more halibut-ish? Newer Chemist: [reading the labels of what he's got on the shelf] Uhh, parrot? [Both do a double take.] What's that doing there? Or skate with just a hint of prawn or crab, tiger and almonds (very unusual). Man: I really had my heart set on halibut. Newer Chemist: Well sir, we had a fishy consignment in this morning, so I could nip down to the basement to see if I can come up trumps with this particualr requisite-t-t-t-t-t-tite. So it was halibut or... Man: Sea bass. Newer Chemist: Sea bass. Won't be a moment. [Goes off stage.] [Man waits at counter. Looks at camera.] Man: [to camera] Sorry about this. [Man hums to himself.] Normally we try to avoid these little pauses, only dramatically he's gone down to the basement. Of course, there isn't really a basement so he just goes off and we pretend. Actually what happens is that he just goes off there off camera and just waits there so it look as though he's gone down to the basement. [Pause.] Actually I think he's rather overdoing it. [To newer chemist offstage.] Ahhhh!! [Newer chemist is shown standing by the camera. He realizes that he's on camera so he runs back on the set to his place behind his counter.] Newer Chemist: [panting] Lot of steps. [Man winks to camera.] Well I'm afraid that it didn't come in this morning sir, but we have got some down at our Kensington branch. I'l just nip down there and get it for you. Man: How long will that be? Newer Chemist: Twenty minutes. Man: Twenty minutes?? [Newer chemist nips off camera. Man hums to himself. A woman with a message at the end of a pole comes on the set and gives the message to the man. He reads it.] Man: Oh. [reading from note] I wonder what other people use for after-shave lotion. One Gumby: I use a body rub called halitosis. It makes my breath feel sweet. Another Gumby: I use an after-shave called Semprini. [Policeman take Gumby off stage.] Newer Chemist: [Caught in the street.] Sorry, sorry, can't stop now. I've got to get to Kensington. Spanish Inquisitor: I use two kinds of after-shave lotion: frankenscence, myrrh THREE KINDS OF AFTER-SHAVE LOTION sun FOUR KINDS OF AFTER-SHAVE LOTION frankenscence, ... Conservative MP: I have a cold shower every morning just before I go mad. Then I go mad 1 mad 2 mad 3 mad 4 .... Disgusting Man: I use rancid pole-cats. It keeps my skin nice and scaly. Newer Chemist: Uhh sorry again. Can't stop. Got to get back. [Back in chemist's shop. Sign says "20 minutes later". Man is adjusting clock. He realizes that he's on camera and stops.] Newer Chemist: Well I'm afraid they don't have any at our Kensington branch, but we have got some down at the depot. Man: Where's that? Newer Chemist: Aberdeen. Man: Aberdeen? Newer Chemist: It's all right. You wait here. I've got a car. Man: No, no, no, it's all right, I'll take the other, the crab, tiger and ... Newer Chemist: Almond requisite-t-t-t-t-t-t-tite? Man: I'll take it. [The chemist turns around to put it in a bag. A very fat man enters the store and starts putting items under his coat. The man taps the chemist on the shoulder to alert him. The chemist blows on a police whistle and a policeman arrives.] Policeman: RIGHT! RIGHT! Now then, now then. [to chemist] Your turn. Newer Chemist: Aren't you going to say "What's all this then?"? Policeman: Oh, right. What's all this then? Newer Chemist: [points to fat man] This man has been shoplifting, officer. Policeman: Oh yuss? Newer Chemist: Yes. Policeman: Are you trying to tell me my job? Newer Chemist: Uh no, but he's been shoplifting. Policeman: Look I must warn you that anything you may say will be ignored and furthermore given half a chance I'll put my fist through your teeth. [makes as if to punch] FTANG!! FTANG!! Man: But officer, this man here has been ... Policeman: Look, I've had enough of you, you're under arrest. [makes loony airplane noises] Newer Chemist: Officer it wasn't him, [points to fat man] he's the shoplifter. Fat Man: No I'm not! Small Man Inside Jacket of Fat Man: He's not. I'm a witness. Policeman: Look, one more peep out of you and I'll do you for heresy. Newer Chemist: Heresy?? Blimey, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition. Policeman: SHUT UP!! [makes punching motions] FTANG!! FTANG!! [takes a bottle of something from the counter and puts it under his jacket] Oooo, that's nice. [to man] Right, I'm taking you along to the station. Man: What for?? Policeman: I'm charging you with illegal possession of whatever we happen to have down there. Right, lunar module calling Buzz Aldrin. Come in. [makes more looney sounds, starts to sing "Raindrops keep falling on my head".] Yet Another Announcer: The BBC would like to apologise to the police about the character of police constable Pan-am. He was not meant to represent the average police officer. Similarly, the reference to Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut, was the product of a disordered mind and should not be construed as having any other significance. [Photo of Buzz is shown. Credits begin to roll for "The Buzz Aldrin Show" accompanied by the strains of the Star Spangled Banner. These are actually the closing credits for this episode of MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.] ------------------- Cheers, Mike Godfrey migod@csri.toronto.edu